They Still Need You, Mama

Lately, I have been realizing more and more the fact that my job as a mom doesn't end just because my kids get bigger. After Britches graduated this past May, I felt lost, like I had nothing to do anymore for her. OK, yes, I still had three others to take care of. But it felt like I wasn't needed anymore for her. I am learning that thinking is so very far from the truth.

She called me today from school. I freak out every time she calls me, because I automatically assume something is wrong or she had a wreck or something. So today, I purposely did NOT freak out. I calmly answered the phone... and something was wrong. SEE! I should have freaked out! It really wasn't that big of a deal. She had locked her keys in her van and wanted to see if I was coming to town. She needed to be at work at 3:00, and it was already almost 2:00. I told her I'd be there in about 30 minutes, and hung up the phone and headed that way. 

When I got there, we both had a good laugh, she promised never to do that again, I told her if she did I'd totally laugh even harder at her, and all was good. She headed to work, and I headed home. 

But it got me thinking. I am so thankful she decided to stay in town to go to college. I had the chance to come rescue her today. I was able to stop what I was doing and show her, in a very real way, that she is very important. She still needed me. And that made my mama heart very happy.

Most of the time these days, she is off doing her thing - studying, working, serving at church, going to her college small group at church. I see her in passing. Things are very different from just a few months ago, and certainly very different from a few years ago. She buys her own food now, pumps her own gas, makes her own schedule, pays for her own schooling - she is very independent. But she still needs her mama. Every day. Even if it's just to have mama at home when she gets here to know that part of life hasn't changed. 

Mama, don't buy the lie that you aren't important in your kids' lives. Don't believe for a minute that they don't need you or want you. Don't ever think that they will get to some magical age that they are grown and can do everything on their own and will leave you behind. Yes, the goal in raising our kids is for them to be independent contributors to society. But even in being a grown up, they will always need their mama. 

You are important. You are needed. You are wanted. 

So What Happened Anyway?

So if you saw my post from yesterday, you might be wondering, "What happened anyway that made you quit blogging for six years?" That is a very easy, and very hard, question to answer.

God has such a way of humbling us.

Back somewhere around 2009, I guess, we started doing children's ministry for the church we were attending. Things were going great. Kids were coming. We were having fun. Everybody was learning about Jesus. It was good.

It was around that same time that I started this blog. Really, it was started as a way for me to have a little sanity. I was homeschooling two kids, had a toddler underfoot, and a crying baby. I needed somewhere to put some adult thoughts on paper, so to speak. It became an outlet for me to escape from the crazy for just a few minutes.

As time went on, the blog began to revolve around our homeschooling journey, which made it super fun for me. I loved doing school with my kids and then posting pics and writing about our day.

More people started reading my blog. I had people asking me questions about homeschooling. And as our children's ministry grew, people started asking me about ministry, too. It was exciting, because it made me feel like I knew something and could share that with others!

I signed up for a mentoring program with a children's ministry coach, which meant now I knew even more. I had a few articles published in a couple of different magazines, so that meant my writing was great, of course. I signed up to do blog reviews for a publisher whose material I was using, and it made me feel like I was needed, wanted, able to offer help to others. I had several other opportunities to help and share with others, and that only served to fuel my desire to be "more". More than just a mommy. More than just a stay-at-home mom. More than.

Let me just pause here for a minute. If you have ever heard the story of Job in the Bible, you know how he suffered. God allowed everything in his whole world to be taken from him, and then God watched to see how Job would respond. Would he continue to praise God and serve Him? Or would Job crumble under the weight of the losses and turn away from God? In the end, of course, Job stayed faithful and was rewarded with God giving him back more than he lost in the first place. He was faithful, so God rewarded. Don't forget that.

Sometimes God gives us suffering to see what we're made of, to see if we will stay true to Him. And sometimes God gives us abundant blessing and growing success to see the same. He wants to see how we will respond to the success, if we'll stay true to Him, if we will continue to seek and serve Him. And this was the case with me.

As life moved forward and things were beginning to succeed and grow in my blog and homeschooling and ministry, I began to think, "Look how good I'm doing!" Now don't get me wrong. It is fine and good to be proud of what we have accomplished. But when we begin to think that WE did the thing, and when we quit seeking God and His plan and blessing, that becomes a BIG problem. I started seeking out ways that I thought would get my name out there. Build a platform. Make myself look better than maybe I actually was. And do you know what happened? God took His hand of blessing completely off of every single thing I was doing.

As long as I was seeking and following Him, God blessed the things. But when I stepped outside of what God had planned, because I was seeking to be "more than" and looking for recognition from the world, God stepped back and just let me have it all. No, He didn't actually take any of it away. He let me have all of the things... on my own.

There is no more solitary, scary, desolate place that apart from God and His blessing. Please do not misunderstand what I'm saying. I was and am still a Christian who deeply loves Jesus. But we can still be a born again Christian and be far from God. It's in those times that He gently, but oh so painfully, calls us back to Himself. Because He loves us. And He desires to be with us. To lead us and guide us. And that is where I found myself.

God slowly began to show me that I was nothing apart from Him. Ministry was constantly a struggle. I couldn't seem to put two good thoughts together for my blog. Nobody wanted my articles. My marriage was hanging on by a thread. And through all the failure (which directly followed that pride), I began to see that I really had nothing of my own to give. I had nothing else to say. No advice to give. No great homeschooling tips. No help for others on growing a children's ministry. Nothing. I had nothing.

That was one of the saddest, lowest times in my life. I've always wanted to be more. And God broke me down to nothing. But praise God, He NEVER leaves us there, and He NEVER wastes a hurt! It took years - YEARS - for Him to rebuild my broken spirit. It took many, many tears and heartache for God to teach me the things I was missing. Here's what I learned.

~ I don't have to be somebody great in this life. I can just be myself. And that's enough.

~ Being a mommy IS an important thing! I don't have to go seeking elsewhere to find very important things to do. I can just be a good mom and love my kids.

~ Taking care of my husband is a very worthy thing. Loving him and tending to the things he needs (like clean clothes and breakfast before work) are very important.

~ Following God and staying close to Him under His umbrella of grace and blessing are the only things that matter. Because when I follow Him closely, His blessings abound. But when I step out on my own and run ahead of what He tells me to do, He steps back and lets me go... without His hand of blessing. I want to be blessed.

So it's taken me a really long time to get back to writing. About a year ago, with my hubby's constant prodding, I decided to start writing a book. I was scared to death to start it. Because I wanted to make absolutely sure it was God's timing, and I wasn't going to just be wasting my time trying to do something on my own. But I felt like maybe, just maybe, God was trying to speak to me through my husband and tell me, "It's OK. You can write again. You do have something to say." So I started writing.

It took almost a year, but my son (who is also my illustrator) and I have finished our book. We're still working through the self-publishing steps, which is proving to be difficult. But we're close. And I have found I still love writing.

I'm tossing around another book idea, but I haven't committed to it yet. I want more confirmation from God that this is the right direction. But I felt like He was telling me it was OK to pick up writing again on the blog. This has always been my happy place. It didn't start out as a place for others. It was just for me. Just for getting my thoughts out. And that's what I want it to be again. If this place happens to bless you, I'm so happy for that! But really, if nobody ever reads this blog again, it is still good. It's still a place I can just enjoy writing for the fun of writing.

My initial thoughts are to play catch up on some of the cool things we've been doing and the things we've learned through our homeschool journey. But those are just my plans. We shall see which direction God points.

Until next time,
Nicole

Welcome Back

Hello there!

It's been almost six years since my last post on this blog. Wow! That is a really long time. There's a good chance most of you who used to follow this blog are no longer here, and that's OK. Maybe you'll come back. Maybe not. So much has changed in six years. Where in the world do I even begin?

Well, for starters, Britches has GRADUATED! I'm not even sure how that happened. It seemed like homeschooling her would never end. But I blinked and she was grown. Now, she's enrolled at the university in our town. I'm very happy about the fact that she has chosen to stay home for at least this first year, because I would be more of a basket-case-wreck-of-a-person than I already am over all this.

And Little Man will be graduating this year! Again, not sure how that happened. Oh right, I blinked. He's planning on going to the same university as his sister, which makes me happy. The two of them have been inseparable since birth, so I kinda figured he would choose to go wherever she went.

Little Sister is a pre-teen who loves all things music, piano, juggling, and chickens. We have somewhere around 30 chickens for her as pets, and she hugs each one every day and tells them all goodnight before locking them up each evening.

And Baby Girl is about to hit double digits! She is spunky and smart and happy, and I am so glad she's ours!

We are still homeschooling the 3 that are still here. A lot has changed in our approach to school, because my children preferred a different way of teaching. And that's OK. We are still extremely laid back in our delight directed approach. But we do use a more independent study approach now, rather than schooling everyone together with the same unit study and lapbooks. Change can be good.

Brient and I, by the grace of God, will have made it to 21 years of marriage this December. That in itself is a miracle. Marriage is hard, people! It's not for the faint of heart. You have to really dig deep and work at it. They don't bother to tell you all of that at the beginning, probably because nobody would ever get married if they knew how dang hard it actually is. But it is so worth it!

A big thing that's changed is that we are no longer in ministry. That's crazy, because I really thought we'd be working with kids forever. A lot of things brought us to that point, and really, I'm so glad we finally stepped down for good. I didn't realize how absolutely exhausting ministry is, and it was really taking a toll on my marriage, my kids, our homeschooling - pretty much everything. Life is so much slower and more peaceful now.

I have learned a few things in the past six years, too. I've learned that...

~ the only good in me is from God, and when I try to do ANYTHING apart from Him, it is crap and fails.

~ we shouldn't do things because we want recognition, but because we love doing that thing and just want the joy that thing brings.

~ pride truly does go before a GREAT FALL. And I learned that, when we are honestly seeking to follow God, He will use that fall for His good to bring about the humility that He so desires in our lives.

~ nothing in this life stays the same. Not jobs or houses, family or schedules, church or friends, health or the lack of - nothing. It's all temporary.

If you've stuck with me for this long in this post, thanks! Maybe we'll talk again in a day or so. But if it's just me on here, that's OK, too. Because I just need to write. Even if nobody is listening. Or if everybody is listening. I just need to write.